bukas, paggising ko
tiyak, kakatok nanaman sya
at mananakot.

Siguro masydong kritikal magisip ang Hari ng Langit, di maabot ng di perpektong pag-iisip ng tao ang mga rason Nya sa mga bagay na hinahayaan Nyang mangyari – imperpekto ang pagkilos ng utak ko. patalbog talbog at papitik pitik ng walang consistent na ritmo. Pero hindi ko hahamunin ng away ang langit dahil hindi ko mahanap ang sagot – wala naman kasi rin akong itinatanong.
Wala akong option kundi umiyak, kakampi ko siguro ang luha nakikiramay sa lungkot ng dilim.

Di ako huwarang anak, pero mahal ko si mama.. dahil si mama lang ang kakampi sa akin kahit ako na ang pinaka masamang tao sa mundo. mahal ako ni mama kahit matigas ang ulo at kahit madalas ako mamilosopo sa kanya. Kahit di masarap ang luto ni mama, di pwedeng di ko kainin dahil alam ko na luto yun ni mama (may konting paglait nga lang akong gagawin sa eksena ).. di naman kaming magkakapatid pinalaki sa luho ni mama.. tama na ang may bago kang damit sa pasko, o ang ibili kami ng bagong damit tuwing summer sale, at bilhan ng maliit na regalo kapag birthday.. great provider si mama, kahit ngayong nagsimula ng magtrabaho at makatanggap ng sweldo, may monthly income ng matatwag, eh may nanay pa rin kaming matatakbuhan kapag inatake ng katamaran, umabsent ng ilang araw at rumesulta sa pagkakapos ng sweldong pampulubi.. di kelan tumanggi si mama magbigay. Kahit nga load, sagot pa ni mama. paminsan maiisip ko na madami akong pagkukulang sa reyna ng bahay namin.. lahat ng pagkukulang naming bilang mga anak, hindi kailanman nilista ni mama para ikaltas sa pwede nyang maibigay bilang nanay namin. Di kailanman binilang ni mama ang mga butas namin bilang anak. Talaga naman o, kaya kahit nung bata pa ako, di ko makayang isipin na maghanap ng ibang nanay kahit pa malaman kong aba’y ampon ako. (pero di ako ampon)

May sakit si mama.
Kanina ko lang nalaman.
At kanina lang din nya nalaman.
Di basta sakit
May Parkinson’s disease

(Par·kin·son’s dis·ease [prkinssənz di zz]
noun

incurable nervous disorder: a progressive nervous disorder marked by symptoms of trembling hands, lifeless face, monotone voice, and a slow shuffling walk.
It is generally caused by the degeneration of dopamine-producing brain cells, and is the commonest form of Parkinsonism.
Microsoft® Encarta® 2007. © 1993-2006 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.)

Si mama.

Umiyak ako
Sa canteen kanina
Nagulat
Nabahala.
Niyakap ako ni maai.
Bakit sa pagulan ng langit,
Sumabay ang buhos ng tubig
Sa mata kong
Di malaman ang
Susunod na mangyayari.

Pumapanglaw ang mga pangarap.
At unti unting pumapanglaw ang sa akin.

Naisip kong makipagpalit na lang ng katawan kay mama
Sayo na lang ang akin,
Ako na lang ang manginig
At mahirapan.
Ang may sala ang ikinukulong sa dilim
Ng parusa ng langit.

Victim soul ng langit si mama,
Rosas sa Birheng Ina ng langit.

Niyayakap na si mama ng paraiso
Ng walang hanggan
Habang ako ay malusog
At naglalakad sa liko-liko at baku bakong
Daan pauwi sa maling tirahan.

Di ko na malaman ang sasabihin.
Subukan mong pumatay ng isang daang tao, ang asawa, kaibigan, bf/gf mo, iiwan ka
Pero ang nanay mo, ang maiiwang kakampi mo at yayakapin ka na parang musmos uli.

Mas mahalin ang nanay ng higit pa sa kahit sinong makikilala ninyo, di napapalitan ang babaeng naghirap magluwal sa atin.

i did this kanina.. happy kasi..

sumisirko

sirko

sa parisukat ang kulay..

nagbibiro..

naglalaro..

nakikipaglaro

sa anyo at hugis ng

mukhang huwad.

sasabihin nilang

nagpakwadro ang

mga kulay ng bahaghari

nagpakulong

sa ngiti

nagpahuli

sa lantang

mga ngisi.

di tiyak

kung tunay

ba

ang

itim,

pula,

berde,

at dilaw,

na nakikita -

nagpapakita.

di ako reggaeista.

from the movie, “the Holiday” (kate winslet, cameron diaz)
my favorite quotation:

Iris: I’ve found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said “Journeys end in lovers meeting.” What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said “love is blind”. Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there’s another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas’, the worst Birthday’s, New Years Eve’s brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I’ve been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can’t swallow! All the usual symptoms.

it has been a year and now we reunite for a day to make up for the lost days.hehe

goosebumps.

poof.poof.poof.

the wheels of the
train were rolling fast.

poof.poof.poof.

we’d be eaten by
the huge mouth-
the horror cave.

poof.poof.poof.

it went in and
there was darkness.
a pinch of
neon lights
musteres my
strayed vision.

poof.poof.poof.

the wheels
still rolled..
fast.very fast.
and it frightened me more,
as the end
of the cave soon opened up

poof.poof.poof.

i bent down.
to cover up.
to hide from
the haunting figures
and haunting faces.

poof.poof.poof.

i screamed
and yelled..
like slipknot.
a screamo
for a while.

poof.poof.poof.

it went in.
and on and on.
5 times.

poof.poof.poof.
it slowed down.
the tour was down.
my heart’s throbbing,
soon would subside.
horror train experience.
saan?
sa perya kagabi.
with pipez and panget.

it is tiring…

but it is much harder to drag your feet
through the doors and just walk out
without ever coming back.

i am tired and yet
i still cannot slide my feet outside
the gates..

i hate the scene where i’d
do the talking and all the while
i’ll appear to be the culprit of
my own misery which i suppose
has been consistently existing
because of his big head stuffed
with stubbornness..

in all these cases
i would always appear
as if i were the devil
and that i should be hung upside down
and that i should be punished.

he never really did a sincere apology.
an apology that i know i really deserve and he never
gave that to me.

he’s like a roaring lion.
with all his pride tucked up withing his
huge belly.
i wanna hate him but i wouldn’t.
when could he truly understand
how i feel.

he keeps looking elsewhere,
and forgot that i was all along here..
here by his side..

am i not enough?
he only listens to what he believes.
he had his ears all shut up.